dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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