I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
