**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
