I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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