Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
