Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
there is glitter all over my balls
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
