There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
