I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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