the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
