So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
