nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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