how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
