if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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