What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
