Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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