i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
