I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
