My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
