fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
