Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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