had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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