I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
