please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
