4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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