The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
