I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
