I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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