3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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