did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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