why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
