If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
