I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
