She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
