I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
