how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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