watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
