Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
