I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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