you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
