Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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