Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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