meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
