the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
