I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
