I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
