I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
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Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
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She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
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