The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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