Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
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I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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