Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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