So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
