Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
