the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
