oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
