Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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