I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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