Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
