Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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