I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
