I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
